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Mariah Carey's diary of despair
Tormented Mariah Carey is keeping a shocking journal of her terrifying breakdown - and of her
heroic attempts to fight back from despair. She started writing in the agonizing hours before
sources say she tried to take her own life, and her helpless words paint a chilling picture.
"The e-mail messages she sent her fans in the hours before her mental collapse form the early
chapters of her diary," says a source a source close to the singer who has glimpsed her anguished
words. "And now, as part of her rehabilitation treatment, she is being encouraged to write out
her thoughts and feelings. The result is an extraordinary diary of someone who went to the brink."
As Star reported exclusively in our August 14 issue, on July 25, a distraught and bloodied Carey
was taken from Manhattan's Tribeca Grand Hotel and later admitted to Northern Westchester and
later admitted to Northern Westchester Hospital Center in Mount Kisco, N.Y., where the superstar
was committed to the psychiatric floor.
Before erupting into her hysterical rage, Mariah, 31, frantically scribbled down her confused
thoughts. And she posted parts of her "Suicide journal" on her website. "I don't know what's
going on with life," she wrote. "I just want you to know that I'm trying to understand things
in life right now and so I really don't feel that I should be doing music right now."
She continued: "I just can't trust anybody anymore right now because I don't understand what's
going on. So, because I'm desperately trying to get out of this room. And I don't know if that
makes sense to anybody - and I'm going to be taking some time off."
Sources say the diary offers a rare insight into the fragile state of mind of the tormented
songbird. "Mariah hadn't slept four days before her breakdown," an insider said. She was
physically shot and emotionally unable to cope. Now family, friends and doctors can look at her
diary and get an idea of what was racing through her mind."
After being stabilized, she was moved to the exclusive Silver Hill Hospital in rural New Canaan,
Conn., a favorite rehab center for the rich and famous. Accompanied by her mother, Pat, Carey
was still a quivering wreck when she arrived at the hospital's 60-acre campus. After check-in,
she faced a three-hour battery of tests administered by psychiatrist, social worker and a nurse
before being assigned to a private, $1,000-a-day room, reveals the insider.
Now counselors are encouraging Carey to continue putting her thoughts on paper, says the source.
"It's therapeutic for Mariah to keep up her diary - it helps to get her emotions and feelings
out there, and she can share these thoughts with her doctors, says a source."
And insiders familiar with the journal tell Star the troubled singer's thoughts are already
more sense. "Her writing now show that she's disappointed with herself for having let her left
get so out of control," says the source. "Mariah's making lists of how to take better care of
herself, like saying 'no' to some promotional appearances and 'yes' to a day with a good book
and soaking in a tub with the pager and phone turned off."
Although Carey's spokesperson denies she tried to commit suicide and disputes our account of
her treatment, insiders insist Carey's life at Silver Hill is carefully regimented. Her day
behinds at 8 a.m. in the colonial-style Main House, where all patients take their three daily
meals buffet-style. "Eight is an early call for Mariah," says the insider. "She's used to
sleeping in and staying out later, so she's pretty groggy as she shuffles along the food line.
Mariah then meets for private sessions with her psychiatrist and social worker."
She returns to the Main House for her 45-minute lunch break at noon. "But since her breakdown,
Mariah hasn't had much of an appetite," a source says. After lunch, Carey attempts group therapy.
On Saturday afternoons she has taken part in family therapy, which is a three-hour program
monitored by a social worker. Carey's mother and brother Morgan have been among the visitors.
In the afternoon, Carey gets some quiet time with her diary before her 5 p.m. dinner call. She
then swims or takes a sauna before making her final journal entries for the day. Mariah has to
be back in her room by 10 p.m. for lights out, but on weekends she gets to stay up till 11 p.m.
Confides a hospital staffer: "The average stay here is two weeks. But more sever cases can take
a month and sometimes longer. Once a patient is discharged, treatment can continue for months
on an outpatient basis. It's up to the patient and how well she responds."
Mariah has her work cut out for her. Another patient who saw her one of her early days at Silver
Hill described how tragic she seemed. "She was sitting all alone, wearing sunglasses and drinking
a cup of coffee. She looked like a sad and fragile bird with a broken wing. We're all just
praying she can come back from this."
(Star)
Many thanks to Will from MCWNO.
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