Tuesday 1 October 2002

Johannes B. Kerner transcript (part II)

JBK: Well, there have been bold-typed headlines in 2001, they even talked about a nervous breakdown, even if I dare to say that might have been a little exaggerated, there has been a period of time after all, when you, in which you were physacally... I don't want to say completely worn out, but you have been affected physically.

MC: Yes.

JBK: Physically and mentally?

MC: Yes, I definetely... when they printed "nervous breakdown", that was completely exaggerated and not true. Well, what happened was, I was working for like 2 months straight, 20 hour days, sometimes maybe a 16 hour day and had some fun. But if you do that for a long time and if you aren't eating properly and aren't sleeping and just work, work, work. I just had left Sony and it took me a whole lot of time to take that step. And I thought "Now, everything will be fine. Everything will work." And I had the new company, who hadn't worked with me before, I didn't have a support sytem, not the right one. I didn't have that around me. And there weren't any people saying "Okay, you worked for 14, 18 hours straight now" and like "Would you like to have a meal?" You know, I just forget and no one was like "Wouldn't it be nice to eat something?" We're sitting her now and I don't say "Okay, get me some sellery and carot sticks to eat." You know, that would be ridiculous. I had no one to care and I didn't take care either. I took care of the star, but I didn't take care of me. And then I was just so exhausted and I said "Okay, I can't shoot this video now. I didn't sleep in an eternity, I'm physically exhausted. I look terrible, I'm about to collapse." And the response was kinda like... nobody understood that. They are used to Mariah, always there, always working hard, always keeping on going. And I said "You know what? I'm not doing this." And I just tried to escaoe, run out, trying to sort of break free from that intense surrounding. I nearly went crazy and I went to my mother and when I go to my mother's house it usually is like, you know bringing presents along like "Here's your new Mercedes, here's your new pool." [laughs] You know, I walk in there, start the show and she knows me as the happy girl, the happy woman with the presents. But when I visited her then I was so completely worn out, lost all of my energy. I was in a place where I really phisically couldn't take it anymore. And she got scared and that's why she called 911 and that was... that just blew everything out of proportion. You know what, I'm the caretaker usually and my mom didn't know how to handle this situation. Me being the weak one suddenly. So I went and you know, I just took some time for myself and I got through it.

JBK: Well, your mom not knowing what to do in that situation and therefore asking for professional help, seems to be the right decision for me, but when you...

MC: Professional help is different than like 911, because [laughs] it turns it to a bigger thing. If you're used to your daughter always being happy, always bringing presents along...

JBK: Right, but she was scared, worried about you...

MC: Right, because it wasn't a normal behaviour for me. I went there, exhausted, tired. All I needed was her to wrap a blanket around me and say, "Go to sleep", you know, but...the whole like 911 thing just... it just blew everything out of proportion. And the press made it...

JBK: So, the people in the hospital, or wherever they tke you in a situation like that. I don't know. What did they tell you. Did they tell you "Hey, actually you just need a two weeks vacation."?

MC: They said "You're exhausted." Sleepdeprivation. They use that in war. I mean, you can't stay awake for 6 days in a row without, without collapsing and die, you know. So it was a physical state of exhaustion which affects everything. It affects you, it has to. You know, somer people stay up for 1,5 days and they can't function anymore. You know what I mean? Most people can't function, coz it's not normal. It's basically that, you know, I've always believed in therapies. I haven't been able to have time for it, but I sat down and talked to a therapist. And he said "Look" you know, he's very good. And I sit down and talk to him, I still sometimes talk to him. And he would say "Here's an apple. Here's some" you know '"ice tea. Won't you take a bite and nurse yourself for a minute and stop taking care of everybody else. This is the caretaking zone for Mariah." He would say "Where you can, welll, just taking care of you. Stop for a minute. Take care of yourself. You need to sleep. You need to eat. You're a normal person." You know, and I was like "Oh yeah, I guess, I deserve that as a human being." You know.

JBK: So that means this person provided you with the feeling to think about yourself again, not about everyone else?

MC: [nods] Mmmh.

JBK: Are feeling better since then?

MC: Yeah, I do. I mean, you know, it's like, when I look and I would go... The first time I came, I had my ice tea with me, whatever. And the next time I went, I had my stuff layed out next to me... You know, I know, this is like what therapists do, what they do to make you feel comfortable or whatever. Involved or so. Parent substitution. I understand that all, but it almost made me cry. Cause you know, the weird thing is, unless I pay somebody, usually no one ever asks me "How are you feeling?" or "Do you need to eat? Do you need to go back to sleep?" They're so used to me "Go, go, go! Run, run, run!" You know what I mean?

JBK: Now that everything is supposed to get started again. Where you will be travelling around the world again, shooting videos, making records, making worldhits, appearing on TV-shows...

MC: [laughs]

JBK: Who is taking care that something like that won't happen again?

MC: Well, what I... See, at that time, too, the person who lived with me and was staying with me. my housekeeper... slash... she did everything. She's kinda like a second mother to me. She was away for 2 weeks. She had family problems. So I was alone during that time, another reason was, it was me falling and nobody was there doing that stuff. But what I just said, I sat down and made a contract, you know, for personal, you know, that's the way it works. "That's the sleep I need, these are the meals and breaks I will have." You know. "When I do a video, I'll have a tent or bring my hat instead of being in the middle of a desert and then pass out." You know, "Treat yourself." So, once I did that and I realized I have to lay it out for people, cause what was... also, was, if you sit there, you know, looking at me, lit and on camera, smiling. No one thinks anything matters, no one thinks you might be hungry. No one thinks you might be exhausted. You know, one fakes to make everything look okay. But... you know.

JBK: So that means you are signing contracts with yourself and then even force yourself to live after them?

MC: [very long, high] Mmmmmmmmh. I have to. [laughter and applause] When you go through something like that, you know, I thank God. Honestly I thank God for that experience. For everything I was experiencing. Like "Glitter" coming out on September 11th. You know and like all that... like becoming the joke of the day about the movie. I'm like "Okay, I know it wasn't Gone With The Wind. But it wasn't too bad either." You know, it was like one thing, one thing after another... [applause, laughs] It's like, you know, one thing after another and I sat there. And I honestly have to thank God that I experienced what I experienced when I experienced it. I'm a very spiritual person and I believe that God just puts anything in front of you, that you can handle. And the fact that I got through that moment, it taught me a lot about myself. It taught me a lot about what not to allow to happen to myself. And it taught me to stand up for myself. You know, eventough I went through this with my father this year, it taught me about life. About how precious it is and how quick it can go. It's just, you know, being in a different place spiritually. And prioritizing and realizing that the last time actually, you know... Hollywood, music business, it's not the end of the world. Like, human beings matter more than stardom. [applause]

JBK: Everybody can see, that you're back. I can feel how present you are, by sitting here next to you. And that people can listen to you again, can be heard. Your new single is called "Through The Rain" and if you hear that title and think about it, a thought comes to your mind. This might be connected to your life. That's how it sounds. [studoclip of "Through The Rain", applause] It's a great feeling to talk with someone that deeply. And to really get to know something about that person. I want to wish you the very best for your new record and for everything you're planning professionally. But, I think, what all of us want to wish you as a person, is warmth, good friends and simply a happy life. Thank you very much for being on my show. Mariah Carey!

MC: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you so much.

Many thanks to Butterflies Are Free and Mariah Mania.



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