"Cribs" pokes into lives of the rich and tacky
Want to see what happens when you suddenly get a lot of money? Check out "Cribs", a show on MTV where musicians, singers, actors and athletes take you on tours of their homes, refrigerators and garages. The fourth season starts at 9 p.m. today.
"Cribs" is just as cheesy and, at times, as off-the-hook funny as "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" but without the annoying British guy. It is second only to VH-1's "Behind the Music" in the "suck-you-in" factor. No matter who's on, you can't help but watch.
The season's first episode has the makings of a classic: Mariah Carey's Manhattan apartment. In the previews: Mariah searches through a closet for the perfect teddy to wear while she shows off her bachelorette pad. Then Mariah - wearing a towel - sits coyly in her garden tub, splashing about and flirting with the camera. The towel, by the way, covers more of her body than most of her clothes.
Here are tips gleaned from classic "Cribs" episodes in case MTV comes knocking on your door: To keep friends from eating all your food, install a vending machine. A bag of Skittles costs a buck at Ice-T's house. Turn up the heat and wear a bra. Carmen Electra apparently failed to do both. Also, do not say "really" more than once during an interview. (Electra used the "r" word about 200 times. Really.)
Keep a "dollar box" on top of the fridge for those quick trips to the store. Redman keeps a stash of cash in a sneaker box. Another gem from Redman: If something's only sorta broke, you don't have to fix it. To get the doorbell to work at Redman's, you have to touch two wires together.
Do not open your garage doors unless there's a Bentley, Jaguar, Porsche, Mercedes Benz or Lexus inside. A high-end SUV must be parked on the street. Unlike retired NBA player Jayson Williams, you do not have to own a tricked-out dump truck.
Refer to your bedroom or your recording studio as the place "where the magic happens". Or, like Twiggy Ramirez (of Marilyn Manson fame), give your boudoir a little something-something with a remote-controlled smoke machine in the bedroom. Decorate your home so it looks like a shrine to the movie "Scarface", like Trick Daddy.
Consider putting your "wall of fame" - where you keep all your awards - in a spare bathroom, like Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters. Clever Grohl also uses his MTV Music Award ("the moon man") as a toilet paper holder.
Point out gifts that famous people have given you or autographed. Or better yet, have your famous friends and band mates "drop by" when the cameras are rolling. Also, freely taunt singer Sebastian Bach about the fact that your Kiss pinball machine has been autographed by all four band members and his hasn't.
When saying goodbye to the camera crew: a) be awkwardly polite and wave; b) be caustic and rude; c) make a lame joke; d) strongly encourage your dog to attack. (Kansas.com)
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