As with all things good and holy, it started with Madonna. The first time I did karaoke I sang "Papa Don't Preach" with a German exchange student I knew in college named Claudia. Claudia was very tall. She looked like Uma Thurman and wore orange pants. I coveted her height, her good looks, and most of all those pants. If Claudia told me to dance , I danced. And if she told me to sing Madonna, I sang Madonna. It is possible I did these things because she ordered me to do them in a thick, authoratitive German accent, but I trusted her. She had the courage to wear orange pants. How could she lead me astray?
We did not sing the song very well, but we gave it all we had. It was the German way. And the crowd seemed to love it. Maybe because they thought Uma Thurman had made a stop at the Cedar Falls Diamond Dave's. I don't know. But I thought the cheers were for me. And I ate it up. That was nearly 15 years ago. Since that time, I have devoted many a weekend to practicing the ancient art of karaoke. It is a delicate balance between talent and showmanship. I have made many missteps along the way.
To help guide me in my pursuit of bringing quality entertainment to the 20 or so people gathered in a particular bar on a particular evening, I have developed a list of rules. Hopefully you can glean something from them and find yourself on the road to becoming a karaoke star in your own right. The first rule is "Punch your weight." This rule is also known as "Never, ever under any circumstances attempt Mariah Carey unless you are actually Mariah Carey. It doesn't matter how many drinks you've had or how much you 'luuuv' the song. Just don't. I mean it. Don't."
A lot of singers who do karaoke are there to showcase their vocal acrobatics. They've taken years of vocal lessons, or maybe they've spent years singing in front of their bedroom mirrors with a hairbrush for a microphone. Whatever their background, they pick songs that highlight their talents. I have no vocal talents. My skills wouldn't pass tumbling. I can only stay in tune if I am whisper-singing.
Yet, for some mind-boggling reason, I once thought it would be a good idea to sing Mariah Carey's "Always Be My Baby". You read that right. I tried to take on the great human butterfly Mariah Carey and lost. Miserably. Because I'm not Mariah friggin' Carey. I had no business being up there trying to do that song. Ever.
Despite the song's amazing vocal range, I have never heard anyone attempt this song at karaoke. Because no one tackles Mariah Carey. It's just not done. A couple of sorority girls in the corner were kind enough to cheer me on, but they knew and I knew that I wasn't pulling it off. I just stopped singing, handed the DJ the microphone and walked off the stage.
(Jean P. Voshell on BlogHer)
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